Finding Safe People & Being a Safe Person for Others

How can we be discerning in meeting and engaging with other people? This post includes resources to assist in finding and being a “safe person.” The goal here is to find others who are safe as well as to be safe yourself for others! I am writing this post-sharing my personal experiences and insights. This is not a suitable form or replacement for professional assistance!

Consider this passage:

23Let us hold resolutely to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. 24And let us consider how to spur one another on to love and good deeds.

BSB, Hebrews 10:23-24

Not everyone we encounter is “safe” nor should we trust everyone! It’s important to remember that others are also experiencing and/or working through difficulties in their own life. The difficulty emerges when past hurts and current struggles lead to unhealthy, destructive relationships. For various reasons including being malevolent, some individuals refuse to recognize and change behaviors that are problematic.

Some individuals are simply going through a difficult season and lack the energy and motivation to communicate with others. An honest person will be upfront about his/her present difficulties. Consider this as you discern and remind yourself that often we don’t know the motives behind others actions or thinking. It’s easy to incorrectly assume other’s intentions and motives. Consequently, a non-licensed/trained/experienced lay person shouldn’t be seeking to “diagnose” or label a person!

Recall that God works through His Living Word and Holy Spirit to change our hearts and those of others. It’s not our duty or responsibility to change others. However, we can be a Christ like and safe person for those we encounter in our daily life!

We don’t need to be harsh or judgmental in relating with others, but we should be discerning! Discernment protects us and enables us to enjoy healthy relationships! Mark DeJesus gives some excellent insights:

Six Tests from above: Atmosphere of Trust and Grace

1. What is the track record of this person? Does their history consist of drama, baggage, overly negative talking about others?
2. Are they a good listener–an active listener? Does he/she listen with empathy. Do they give quick fixes or minimize your pain/difficulties?
3. Are they honest with you, can you be honest with them? Do they over spiritualize and complicate faith things?
4. Do they share vulnerably with you? How do they treat others when they’re vulnerable?
5. How do they handle your information? Do they use discretion or mention others negatively to you?
6. Test the waters by bringing up a subject and see how they respond? Do they handle it with care or judgment/criticism?

Insights/Definitions

Active listening requires patience, time, and practice. It’s a good habit when encountering people to ask open ended questions and allowing time for them to respond. At times it’s best to offer to talk later if you’re busy or don’t have time to actively listen. Part of active listening involves not responding or thinking about your response as the other person is talking.

It’s okay to not have an answer! In fact, many times it’s best to not offer any advice or insights but to listen with empathy and non-judgment. Honestly , this form of listening takes practice. A good idea is to restate the main points of the conversation or ask open questions about the main points in a conversation.

Quick Overview of Empathetic Listening

Trust takes time to establish. We can trust people in different degrees. I don’t share every thing/detail about myself with people I have just encountered. Being vulnerable is the goal. Check out the resources below:

Vulnerability

PsyCentral has a great article on vulnerability:

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/the-good-kind-of-vulnerability#why-its-important

Beware of being overly familiar with others!

The Familiarity Principle–consider the insights of this article

The Reason You Seek Relationships with the Same Type of People… Again, and Again

Dr. Les Carter Being a Safe Person: 8 Traits

Eight Traits

Traits of a safe person: from video above

1) approachable, especially in disagreements

2) want/like to learn from their mistakes

3) they are transparent (what you see is what you get-authenticity) internal and external authenticity–willing to be accountable

4) genuinely like to connect–know your authentic self, open ended questions

5) they affirm and encourage (not a critic) cooperative spirit, go well for you

6) a generally agreeable manner blend well together (disagree agreeable- respectful, loving)

7) manage anger cleanly (talk about it with dignity maintained)

8) they’re reliable, can count on them (responsible), not flaky–words and actions match, take initiative with healthy goals/living

Reflection Questions

Which of these traits describe you? What areas can you improve on in your interactions with others? Having boundaries, making an effort to actively listen to others, as well as seeking to love others with God’s love is the goal!

God’s love as defined in 1 Corinthians 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. 6Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. 7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be restrained; where there is knowledge, it will be dismissed. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial passes away.

The traits above are our ideal. Love others as God loves us. How does God love us? 1 minute of music and quotes: