This post addresses personal experience(s) and how this relates to our faith journey in corporate fellowship. Companion post on worship:
This post is for those who struggle to find fellowship within a local community of believers. There aren’t easy, painless, or quick fixes for this complex situation you may be walking through. Nor do I desire to minimize your painful experiences with religious advice/insights. I desire for you to grow and thrive in a faith community!
God graciously provides others to help us to walk along the difficult paths of life!
The Various Whys of our Struggles
If you’re reading this post, it’s possible you have experienced hurt in the context of a Christian church. Perhaps it was a church leader who abused their authority, spoke to you with disrespect, contempt, or “called you out” in public. Public or private humiliation, blame, shame, etc. are difficult to forgive. The closer we are to others and the higher expectation(s) that we have for those who lead and serve with us–the deeper the searing pain when we feel betrayed or attacked. Pastors are human and have their own hurts and struggles. As people receiving God’s grace, we are to forgive those who have wronged us. To be forgiven means to forgive others as well.
You may be a former pastor or church leader whom the church harmed. At times, a minister does his best to love and faithfully proclaim God’s Word, yet the people reject and rebel. Moses experienced rejection and opposition. God met with him face to face (Exodus 33:7-11), and people had seen God’s mighty acts of deliverance, but they still rebelled and spoke against him.
https://biblehub.com/bsb/exodus/33.htm
Perhaps you feel neglected, overlooked, ignored, and cast aside. Society behaves in a tribal sense wherein we are pressured to conform to a norm of those around us. People tend to associate with others who have similar family situations, political, and economic ideas. It becomes an “either you’re with us or against us” mentality. People who are different in various ways are viewed with suspicion/distrust.
The Biblical Example of Church
The book of Acts and Epistles of New Testament indicate that the original believers were diverse. Jesus calls disciples who would naturally be at odds. Consider that Matthew (Levi) was a tax collector in a group with Simon the Zealot and others who had strong anti-Roman sentiments. Jesus also ministers to a diverse group of people among the Jews, Samaritans, and occupying Romans. When considering the present challenges, it’s helpful to consider how God’s Church should function and minister according to God’s Word and within the context of church history. Tim Keller explains “Five Features that Made the Early Church Unique”
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/5-features-early-church-unique
The Overlooked and Left-Out
Martial status, having or not having children/”empty nests”, economic and cultural status are part of “fitting in.” Churches tend to emphasize outreach and other efforts to “categories” of people. Some congregation’s outreach mainly focuses on families, youth, children, etc. What about the divorced, widowed, singles, etc.? Certain groups tend to be left out. Different people groups have different needs. It’s appropriate for a church to offer activities and fellowship for children, youth, married couples, and senior adults.
Perhaps you experienced divorce or another type of personal betrayal. Someone or a group of people may have malicious slandered your name and spread rumors or discussed private aspects of your life inappropriately. Maybe you felt criticized or “left-out.” People can behave maliciously in church settings. Your feelings are valid and your experience(s) impact your desire to be engaged in community. However, moving forward and healing is essential. Moving forward is our calling from God! We can’t live in the past and nurture grievances and expect to be found faithful.
Older brothers walk with their younger brothers. This image represents the gift of older brothers who walk with us on the steep pathways.
Focusing on the Good or the Bad Reports?
I routinely encounter various individuals from my community. It’s not uncommon for people to approach me and start a conversation while I am outdoors training with mountain board and windsurfing. I hear common themes of: I don’t fit in, those people judge me, leading to the statement/questions: ”I don’t want to go to church.””Why would I want to be hurt again?, and I will just be disappointed or judged”.
Thankfully, I also hear good reports of congregations and pastors who are supporting people facing grief, declining health, death, and other major life crises. Each congregation is unique! It’s tempting to become overly focused on the negative experiences while minimizing the compassionate works of mercy local churches consistently participate/serve in their communities.
If you’ve experienced hurt and neglect, you’re not alone. Healing is a process which requires reflection, repentance, and growth. The key is to start the journey of healing and restoration. I highly recommend Mark DeJesus and his many excellent video/written resources! His YouTube channel is:
https://www.youtube.com/@marktdejesus
For my precious brothers and sisters in Christ battling anxiety, depression, and trauma, sometimes being around others seems impossible-especially when “church/religious” people, past events, and the environment trigger deep emotional wounds/scars. Know that God understands your pain and how difficult things are for you! He will walk with you as you seek to worship Him and experience restoration. Restoration and healing occurs primarily in community! Being alone and isolate leaves a person vulnerable to being led astray.
The Journey of Faith is a journey wherein we need the fellowship, support, and accountability of others to press ahead.
It’s Okay to Struggle and Seek Assistance
When I encounter someone who is hurting, I strive to listen and empathize with them. People will mention key events/struggles. Active listening is ministry! There are numerous Godly men and women who are available and willing to walk with you. Have you sought out assistance from others? If not then why not?
God has blessed me with wise, more experienced men in ministry. I have shared my struggles, requested accountability, and advice. This enables me to make well-informed and wise decisions. Recently, I reached out for perspective. The counsel was valuable for current challenges that I face. However, I had to put my pride and self-reliance aside to ask for help. Why are we (at times) too proud and self-reliant to reach out? Why fight alone when others could help?
There are counselors and trustworthy ministers who can help you walk this journey with your difficulties. A healing/growing person makes an effort to work through the challenges. Part of recovering and growing is accepting the past and choosing to press ahead. It’s easy to blame, judge others, and become critical, bitter instead of facing difficulties, forgiving the past, and seeking restoration.
Valley of Grief and Disappointment
Recently, I’ve walked through a dark valley of grief and disappointment. Returning to church in person can be difficult for those struggling. It took me a period of time before I “felt” comfortable walking into the doors of a church. My reasons are personal. I imagine that your struggles/hurts are as well. Having walked this path myself, I empathize with anyone fighting this battle. Here are some insights that have assisted me in this regard:
Attending and Participation in Fellowship/Church is a Choice
Each day we make numerous choices. We choose what to wear, what to eat and drink, or what to do in our free time. Each Sunday, we choose to either worship/fellowship or stay at home. The choice is before us. We can choose to worship with others or remain comfortable in not attending church.
There are situations such as health concerns, taking care of a loved one who is home bound, or icy roads and unsafe conditions. Churches have online services. One can fellowship with other believers in any group setting. It may be a home gathering or Bible studies, etc.
Working through Past Disappointments and Hurts
Part of the healing process from past church hurts involves returning to being present and active. While this feels risky, it’s necessary. Staying separate and isolated doesn’t restore fellowship. Consider watching services online prior to visiting to get accustomed to a particular church. I also recommend going to a church with a friend or family member if possible. It’s easier when you don’t have to walk in alone.
When you prepare to attend church, make time to center yourself on the joy of worshiping God. I remind myself that church isn’t about me, my personal preferences, favorite hymns, preaching styles, etc. Do you attend with an open heart, desiring to worship and hear God’s Word? Do you allow God’s Word to speak truth and conviction into your life?
Practicing Vulnerability with Others
You can attend a church and interact with others without telling your personal story of how or why you struggle. It’s often best to do this in private after you have discerned who is trustworthy and will provide Godly counsel and accountability.
One of the kindest gifts that others give me on Sunday mornings is saying hello to me and asking simple questions. It’s a great mercy when others see me and ask how the proclamation ministry is going without asking deeply personal questions! Likewise, I have the opportunity to ask about their lives/family and ministries.
Take A Moment to Consider How Your Past Impacts Your Perception of Others
Every church has it challenges and strong points. Consider that our past occurrences impact how we view and relate to others. We bring our hurts, fears, and issues with us into the churches with us. That’s why we need to have self-awareness and personal insight to recognize what we are carrying around with us!
Am I projecting my feelings, or assuming the worst about others? Am I judging others? When someone accuses a church/entire group of people of being judgmental are they not also passing condemnation? Our experiences can isolate us if we don’t practice self-reflection. It seems easier to be distant and non-involved, but that hinders meaningful interactions.
Words of Grace & Hope 