Our relationships (or lack of) with others impacts our spiritual journey. Our ability to trust and relate with fellow believers depends on how we view “relationships” and grow in community. There are three aspects that I want to encourage you to investigate and apply to your life situation. I will give you a brief summary of the resources I have found helpful in my journey. This post explains how codependency prevents us from having stable, healthy, interdependent relationships with others. Post updated with new information/sources July 2024.
1: Developing and Practicing Appropriate Personal Boundaries
I address boundaries in this post:
Spiritual Growth: Healing
This YouTube video helps to understand and apply boundaries:
Thoughts from this video that I find helpful:
Boundaries help us to keep certain aspects of ourselves to ourselves. It protects us from oversharing and ‘under’sharing. It helps us to keep other’s thoughts, ideas, and viewpoints from overriding our own or us trying to overpower others. Dr. Eilers comments, “boundaries can help you to hold onto what belongs to you and matters to you” especially when you are in situation wherein others have differing beliefs/values, etc.
Worksheets and Terms
Therapistaid.com has 2 helpful downloadable worksheets for understanding boundaries:
You can access and print-out the information from therapistaid.com
Functional definitions and examples:
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout
An exercise to help you develop boundariesL
https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/boundaries-exploration-activity
Boundaries can be too weak and we allow others to impact us in ways that aren’t healthy. It’s also possible to have boundaries that are too strict that leads one to miss opportunities for personal growth and deeper intimacy with others. The key is to have boundaries that work for you and allow you to be authentic and safe while interacting with others. This is a major factor in moving away from codependency. Codependents often have overly weak or excessive boundaries. Dr. Eilers and Kenny Weiss have free resources in the form of articles, videos, etc that can help you to better understand these concepts.
#2: Co-dependency
Kenny Weiss talks about two different types of co-dependents: the dis-empowered and falsely-empowered. He correctly identifies lack of self-love, and weak or invulnerable boundaries to both types. The dis-empowered relies on others too much and gives too much away, whereas, “the falsely empowered are anti-dependent and invulnerable.” Either extreme is problematic.
https://kennyweiss.net/the-two-types-of-codependents-and-the-five-traits-of-codependency/
PsychCentral addresses the causes, signs, and multiple ideas on how to move toward interdependent relationships.
https://psychcentral.com/health/what-causes-codependency#attachment-style
Reflecting our our relationships and behavior/thought patterns helps us to be aware of our weaknesses, past experiences (good and bad), and for us to be a better spouse, coworker, friend, or family member. We can work with others and be a positive influence in others’ lives.
Self-reflection is key to growth. This process involves us accepting responsibility for our thoughts, actions, patterns of interactions/relationships. I am still learning the value of accepting others as they are. It’s not my purpose or role to change others or how they think, or act. However, we have the ability to prevent toxic people/situations from impacting us. We have an opportunity to be a “safe” person for others. For more on being/finding a safe person:
3: Moving toward Interdependence and secure attachment in relationships
This article defines interdependence in context of maturity/personal development:
As we mature further, we realize that we cannot take on the world alone and learn to become interdependent working in harmony with those around us.
The goal of development is to reach a state of interdependence, where we are self aware enough to understand that there is strength in developing strong relations with those around us.
This level comes with the self actualization that we are strong to stand on our own but we are wise enough to understand there is even greater strength in developing a community.”
Michelle L. Brennan Psy.D
https://psychcentral.com/blog/balanced-life/2013/06/the-importance-of-interdependence#1
It’s important to realize that we all face setbacks and disappointments in our lives. These “negative” experiences lead us to become oriented toward co-dependency as we try to protect ourselves and prevent future injuries. However, this is a maladaptive way to relate to others.
My Personal Journey
When I was younger, I would advise people to be independent and self-reliant. I encouraged my students to find their path and seek to be the best version possible of themselves. Presently, I realize that in order for this to happen, we need to be in good relationships in meaningful community. I tend to be overly independent and self-reliant myself and this has cost me opportunities for growth and interdependence. The answer is to seek to be more interdependent with others giving and receiving in life with others!
Attachment theory is helpful when considering relationships. Often our behavior and others comes from past hurts and disappointments in our lives. This article explains the theories and styles:
https://psychcentral.com/health/4-attachment-styles-in-relationships
You can complete free online attachment style assessments:
- The Attachment Project–complete a quiz and they will send you a detailed response and explanation of your results.
- https://www.attachmentproject.com/
- The Personal Development School (PDS) with Thais Gibson–
- https://university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/
I’ve used both of these resources, both quizzes I took gave me the same results. I am working through PDS online courses. Thais has a YouTube channel wherein she explains the attachment styles, healing “core wounds,” etc.
https://www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
Understand that our attachment styles can change! We can move toward a more secure style with reflection, counseling, and personal growth. Understanding attachment styles can help you to better relate to others. The “signs” of each style are beneficial in explaining behaviors/thoughts/patterns of others.
In summary,
Making time for self-reflection and considering personal patterns of thoughts/actions and relationship tendencies promotes self-awareness and growth. Developing appropriate boundaries and gracefully applying them in our relationships promote well being for ourselves and relating in ways that are mutually beneficial with others. Understanding our past relationships and discerning our tendencies in relationships can help us to grow and mature! Healing is a journey that begins with facing the reality of our present difficulties, seeking and accepting wise counsel, and making a choice to be a safe person for others.
Words of Grace & Hope 