Tim Fletcher explains how complex trauma leads to a “prison of shame.” Shame leads a person away from fellowship toward self-isolation. Shame and doubt are parts of our journey. How we handle our shame, doubts, and even that of others reveals our character!
Dan Foster Quotes, Questions, and Analysis
Dan Foster writes about how that Christian “love” often comes across to others as something hateful and spiteful. First, let’s consider how that some react to others who have doubts or questions:
Quote 1
“In church, we ought to be able to express our doubts to each other without fear of reprisal or judgment, but too often, this is not the case.”
People are isolated or “shunned” in some communities because of doubts or different opinions. Why do we need to place people in categories or expect others to be exactly like us? Why a need to have all the answers when in truth there are various perspectives? This treatment increases shame and causes more pain. Others will minimize others’ experiences or pain by using spiritual platitudes and sayings.
Q2
“However, according to James Fowlers’ Six Stages of Faith Development, the person who is experiencing a “faith crisis” may actually be further advanced in their faith development than the person who has never done so. After all, how can faith be proved genuine unless it is genuinely tested? So why do we treat people who have doubts as if they were on the brink of Hell? Why do we pray for them to return to the kind of certainty that we possess, as if faith weren’t even part of the equation? Why do we worry about them falling out of the faith altogether? Maybe we’ve convinced ourselves that discussing these difficult questions is unhealthy. We worry that, exposed to the light, our faith will fade away. If it’s tested, it may just shatter. But, if our faith is that fragile, it probably was never true. If our God is so easily defeated, he is probably not really the true God.”
The root of this issue is how we view and imagine God in our faith communities. Is our view accurate? Is God limited by our limited ability to understand? Is faith all about knowledge? Faith is a relationship with God! How do we engage with others who are walking through a season of doubts? Do we walk with them patiently and with grace?
Wrong Idea that leads to shame and passive aggressive behaviors/patterns
Second, let’s examine the idea that followers of Christ should be “nice.”
“The problem with the idea that the goal of Christianity is to be a ‘nice person’ is that is causes us to become conflict-avoiders and peace-keepers, especially with other Christians. However, the simple truth is whatever we do not process, we eventually project onto others. If left unaddressed, our offences will express themselves — one way or another. So, while ‘nice’ Christians often avoid full-frontal conflict, they end up becoming the worst offenders when it comes to passive-aggressive behaviors.”
Dan gives us some examples of these behaviors:
“Some examples of classic ‘Christian’ passive-aggressive behavior include: Being late for things, withholding tithes and offerings, procrastination, ‘forgetfulness,’ sullenness, stubbornness, not inviting certain people to events and activities, resistance to change, avoiding others, talking behind other’s backs and, of course, sarcasm.”
Do you observe any of the behaviors? Or tendencies in personal life? There is a better way to relate in community: authentic relationships with appropriate boundaries and truth sharing in an atmosphere of grace and acceptance.
Quote Source:
https://medium.com/backyard-theology/there-is-no-hate-like-christian-love-8d37adfb350d
God calls His people to be like Him, not to be “nice” or passive aggressive. Shame leads to a variety of behaviors and unhealthy patterns of thoughts. A person becomes increasingly avoidant, passive aggressive, and dismissive of others when shamed or minimized.
Dan rightfully reminds us that we project our failings onto others when we don’t heal. This is why that healing is essential! We are then able to view others with grace and mercy–in the same manner in which we receive it from God ourselves. Grace, mercy, kindness, and compassion are the antidotes to the sickness and sorrow of shame.
Personal Experience
As a kid growing up in a rural Southern town, I was excluded by many of my peers. Most young men became friends through a shared love of baseball or other sports. Due to poor eye-hand coordination, I wasn’t able to proficiently play any sport. Others made comments about my acne and other physical characteristics. I was lanky, uncoordinated, and highly sensitive.
Others cruelly criticized, harshly dismissed, and mocked me during my younger years. My sensitive nature/personality took it to heart. My healing process continues. Old wounds still resurface with feelings of anger, rejection, and powerlessness. Part of healing is accepting that others were cruel and forgiving them. Another part of healing is remembering those who were kind-the teachers, mentors, and the pastors who valued me. It’s easy to focus on the pain and past grievances, but pain isn’t the entire story. Forgiveness and letting go of past grudges for poor treatment enables one to move forward. Consider this stanza from Andrew Ripp’s “Breakdown”
“The hardest part is the letting go
Sometimes it feels impossible
But there’s still love in your arsenal
If there’s still blood in your heart
The hardest part is the letting go
Sometimes it feels impossible
But there’s still love in your arsenal
If there’s still blood in your heart”
Andrew reminds us that as long as we are live there is a chance to let go!
Pain is part of the story. God graciously provided loving family members, wise mentors, and others who continue to help me press ahead. As we receive healing, we become active in seeking to help others on the healing journey!
True Nature of Redemption and Healing
God offers grace, mercy, and healing through various means. God takes our brokenness and sorrows and redeems them. As we walk with Him, He transforms us into something better! This is the hope of Christ: He makes us anew, leading, and forming us into His likeness as we trust, depend, and follow Him! Andrew Ripp reminds us of this truth in his song “Breakdown” in two stanzas:
And if you couldn’t feel further from redemption
You’re the closest you’ve ever been
Rock bottom is a firm foundation
You’ll see, my friend
This is not a breakdown
It’s a breakthrough
This is not a midnight
It’s a brand new morning
When it dawns on the dark
This is not the moment
When it all falls apart
It’s a beautiful place to start”
God’s grace and mercy are great places to start when facing shame! When the shame and disconnect seem to be an all consuming fog, we seek His grace and restoration. Healing comes about through community, fellowship, and our relationships with God and others!
The light of God’s Good News shines into the prison cell of shame.
When Others don’t understand you
Lee gives three pieces of advice. Recommend hearing his account and explanation!
Gospel Perspective
Tim Keller reminds us:
“Instead, think of the gospel as a set of glasses through which you “look” at everything else in the world. . .Everyone will be forgotten, nothing we do will make any difference, and all good endeavours, even the best, will come to naught.”
The Gospel is the lens through which we process our experiences and dealings along our journey.”
The Gospel is Good News! It’s God’s grace, love, and redemption to those who seek Him! We need to view our lives through the lens of grace and redemption for ourselves and others. While we can’t see the entire picture until eternity, we can see God’s grace, mercy, and love in our lives if we open our eyes to these Gospel truths!
Our endeavors and journey matter eternally!
“Unless there is God. If the God of the Bible exists, and there is a True Reality beneath and behind this one, and this life is not the only life, then every good endeavour, even the simplest ones, pursued in response to God’s calling, can matter forever.”
“The gospel assures me that God cares about everything I do and will listen to my prayers. He may not answer them the way I want, but if he doesn’t it is because he knows things I do not. My degree of success or failure is part of his good plan for me.”
His touch and presence restore us!
Words of Grace & Hope 