Featured Image: grandfather and author enjoying some time together. I grew up listening to his stories. He set the example of a man who lived purposefully, with faith, integrity, honor, and decency.
Reflections on Facing Loss/Perspectives on Grief
*Article warning: this post deals with deeply personal reflections on personal grief, intense emotions of loss. I will be discussing difficult subjects that may be overwhelming for readers who have recently suffered loss*
Night Cafe Studio used to create images.
This path isn’t an easy one–moments of darkness, slippery, and occasions of falling down as we ascend to get a better view of the mountains ahead of us.
Timothy Keller Expertly Identifies Death for us: emphasis mine
Death is the Great Interruption, tearing tearing loved ones away from us, or us from them.
Death is the Great Schism, ripping apart the material and immaterial parts of our being and sundering a whole person, who was never meant to be disembodied, even for a moment.
Death is the Great Insult, because it reminds us, as Shakespeare said, that we are worm food. . . . Death is hideous and frightening and cruel and unusual.
It is not the way life is supposed to be, and our grief in the face of death acknowledges that.
Death is our Great Enemy, more than anything. It makes a claim on each and every one of us, pursuing us relentlessly through all our days.
Source: On Death summary from pages 1-3
Full Quotes
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/20-quotes-tim-kellers-new-short-book-death/
Grief from loss comes into our lives–it’s inevitable if we truly and deeply love others. I write the words as I grieve the losses of several close family members. Human suffering and death break into our lives in unexpected moments.
Reflections
This images represents the dark valley of illness and end of life that we will all walk through.
My Experiences of Loss, Grief, and Deep Sorrow
In my young adulthood, I enjoyed a significant relationship with my great-grandmother and paternal/maternal grandparents. I experienced significant losses in my early 20s as a young educator and minister. I was unprepared to handle my deep grief and sorrow.
Walking Through the Valley of Serious Illness
As I matured, my family members entered into advanced age and faced lengthy terminal illness(es). I watched my great grandmother and grand fathers endure battles with wasting illnesses. Seeing them suffer deeply troubled me as I tried to reconcile my faith, God’s goodness, and finding His presence while experiencing the horrors of watching someone in pain. I couldn’t understand why God didn’t intervene especially in the lives of family members who had been faithful followers.
Tim Reminds us of the truth that death interrupts meaning and design:
“Death was not in God’s original design for the world and human life. Look at the first three chapters of Genesis. We were not meant to die; we were meant to last. We were meant to get more and more beautiful as time goes on, not more and more enfeebled. We were meant to get stronger, not to weaken and die. (39)” Tim Keller On Death
It was disconcerting and horrifying. I had no frame of reference or capacity to process what I was seeing as I was present with them. I also didn’t want to reveal the personal impact while seeking to be a calming presence while spending time with them.
The reality is that Bible college, seminary, or serving as a minister in church didn’t adequately prepared me to process my own feelings on death, grief, or sorrow. We don’t prepare enough to face these inevitable painful realities. I believe that we neglect to talk about death and grief in our pulpits and small groups because it brings back difficult memories and intense feelings of loss, and despair (don’t feel safe being vulnerable or triggered).
Simple Truth: it takes courage and integrity to personally grieve while walking with others through these difficult valleys.
Helpful Books: Timothy Keller Walking with God through Pain and Suffering, On Death
God’s Presence with Us: Image
This image is a reminder that Jesus is with us as we pass over! We don’t face apart from Him. My grandfather didn’t transition into eternity alone–Jesus was with Him.
Help/Resources
Reach out to your pastor and/or elders. Hospice, hospital chaplains/social workers are great resources as well! He or she will have extensive training and experience in helping you to navigate the valley of illness and death. They can help you to anticipate what is coming and give you perspective on the process of death and helping you to be present while processing the difficult emotions!
While being unprepared, I wasn’t alone. A mentoring pastor invested time in helping me to write out and practice speaking the eulogy. He gracefully and wisely advised me to focus on being present and to recall good memories when feeling overwhelmed by the present suffering.
It’s okay to be overwhelmed and deeply troubled in the presence of intense suffering. Denying the reality or suppressing the emotions in order to put on an appearance prolongs the pain. However, you don’t have to grieve alone or quietly!
Role of Elders and Pastors: Ministry of Presence
Once episode was intense: the moment when a church elder came to visit and was overcome with sorrow and had to quickly leave sobbing because he couldn’t endure what we were all experiencing. His presence and prayer helped me to recognize and begin to process the horror of the situation. I was in a state of denial because of my grandfather’s suffering and trying to repress the intense grief and anger that I felt toward God for not stopping/resolving the situation.
It’s okay to remove yourself if the situation becomes too intense to keep yourself together. Taking short breaks, sitting with someone in shifts, and focusing on self-care are vitally important to surviving long seasons of grief.
God places us into fellowship with others so we can have a community of support. Pastors, deacons/elders, and other faith leaders,servants serve as sources of support.
The Blessing of Medical Care: Palliative Sedation
Sometimes it’s best to deny visitor access and advising others to come by later if your loved one is visibly distressed and fighting. The elder and family pastor returned later and encouraged us with their presence and prayer after palliative sedation. Their love and devotion to my grandfather and our family was a precious gift!
Palliative sedation allowed us to say goodbye. My grandfather gained freedom from the intense fear, and struggle that he was enduring. He died from end stage COPD: a death that involves a desperate struggle to breathe for days/hours. Sedation released him from the horrors of his worsening condition and allowed him to pass into eternity calmly.
Unexpected, Sudden Loss
A personal recent loss came through a phone call–sudden, unexpected death hours after seeing someone alive and seemingly improving. This loss was intensely painful because it occurred immediately before a birthday when the expectation was recovery and being present for the planned celebration at home. Car accidents, sudden medical emergencies, homicides, and suicides fit into this category. Natural disasters and wars create tremendous suffering in the lives of people worldwide.
Homicide ended several of my former school and church youth students’ lives. Lives cut tragically short, being shot and left to die alone on the street. Found by strangers hours or days later. One of my former students murdered an entire family unit and is pending trial/death penalty. A frequent customer and young father at my store lost his life. He was missing prior to be found buried in a shallow grave locally. His young kids face life without him and mother as she has been charged with this crime and is awaiting trial and sentencing.
A bomb hits a school in Iran taking the lives of numerous children, teachers. School shootings and mass casualty attacks are a regular terror in the U.S. In TN, there’s a serious epidemic of suicides among our young people: males and increasingly females choosing firearms to self-harm.
Personally, I struggle to accept this situation. Things shouldn’t be this way. How do we have hope and courage to endure? There is great strength available in Christ! Check out the post below.
Words of Grace & Hope 