The purpose of this article is to provide resources concerning how we can (1). establish healthy boundaries with others that lead us toward interdependent relationships with better communication with others, and (2). recognize these toxic behaviors/thought patterns in ourselves/others. Including numerous links and resources.
It’s important to understand that everyone has areas of their lives to be transformed into the image of Christ! Being broken is part of our human condition. People may not be vulnerable concerning what is going on “behind” the scenes due to feeling shame.
Recognize Unhealthy Patterns
Some people wear “masks” to cover up the reality of their situation. Others seek to manipulate, abuse, and use others for their own benefit. This article encourages you to be discerning and to establish appropriate boundaries. Having appropriate boundaries is the best way to deter unhealthy relationships! Be discerning in what you share and with whom you associate and trust.
Jesus warns us that we will recognize false prophets/leaders/teachers by their fruits. Here are some questions to assist in discerning:
- Is a person constantly promoting themselves over others? Is it a one man/woman show? Is the church or ministry all about the pastor or other leader?
- Does a person consistently refer to others as “less” than? Is he or she repeatedly claiming to be entitled to praise, respect, or special treatment?
- Is this person consistently pointing out others’ flaws or makes frequent character attacks against others?
- Is this person honest and authentic? Does humility and truth appear in his/her actions?
- Does this individual engage others harshly or with criticism? If you share something personal is it repeated or mocked?
- Most importantly, does this person’s actions align with their proclaimed character?
I am not a counselor or mental health practitioner. Strongly recommend working with a licensed professional for appropriate diagnosis and treatment of anxiety and depression. If you have experienced abuse or neglect from others, please seek professional assistance in restoring your mental health.
I am writing this article from a faith based perspective. This article includes links to creators who don’t explain these topics from a “strictly” faith perspective.
Insights
I detect some of these traits in my life and relationships. Authentic, healthy individuals know their own weaknesses, tendencies, and work to improve themselves to be better able to relate, and serve others. Second, I want to encourage you to practice (1). establishing boundaries, (2). self-reflection, and (3). maturing in order to be more kind, compassionate, and discerning in your journey of faith! I’ve found the articles and resources helpful in my journey so wanted to share them with you!
Healthy boundaries protect us and others! We need boundaries in relationships for stability and health. Take some time to write down what you feel is appropriate for various scenarios. For a Christian perspective on boundaries consider the following book:
Simply stated boundaries give us “guidelines” and guard rails to keep ourselves centered in the context of relationship. For a more detailed explanation:
https://community.thriveglobal.com/why-boundaries-are-important-in-relationships/
For an explanation of 7 Types of Boundaries
To summarize this topic: appropriate boundaries and effective communication skills promote healthy relationships. Developing boundaries and communicating openly with others is a better avenue than some of the behaviors described in the groups below.
I am focusing on negative behaviors associated with depression and anxiety. These behaviors have roots in emotional brokenness. This is not an all inclusive list! This article is not a diagnosis, licensed mental health professionals establish diagnosis and can provide you with appropriate treatment.
1: Isolation and Narrow Mindset
Anxiety and depression have a tendency to lead a person into isolation and thinking with a narrow mindset. Isolation is different from solitude or seeking time alone to meditate! Isolation in this case refers to keeping people distant or removed from your life in a manner that damages relationships.
If someone seeks to keep you isolated from your other friends or family members this is a warning! Healthy relationships are interdependent and don’t revolve around one person all the time.
Narrow mindset is a learned behavior in which a person forms strong opinions/ideas and doesn’t properly accept relevant or new information. A narrow mindset prevents personal and spiritual growth and is often the root cause of being overly religious or rigid in thinking/interacting with others. Obviously, there are areas of our understanding that need guidelines such as doctrine, theology, etc! However, a narrow mindset goes beyond having guidelines and emphasizes one or more “trains” of thought excluding all others.
Solutions:
Practice accountability with someone that is trustworthy, seek authentic people willing to mentor! Being vulnerable and truthful with others opens up pathways for interdependent relationships to develop and grow.
Study of Theology
An interesting way to study theology is to study historical theology! I use this resource to assist me in understanding how past believers approached theology:
Consider other viewpoints and reflect on how your past and present can impact how you view God and others. There are numerous systematic theology resources that you can study to help you understand scripture and thoughts. Read articles and interact with people who don’t believe the same way you do! Consider differences and similarities and how different ideas work.
2: Roots of Insecurity, Poor Communication Techniques, Seeking to Control, Codependent relationships
Toxic shame and feeling “less” than produces a large amount of insecurity in a person. Our past hurts, failures, and traumas that aren’t healed manifest in our lives. For example, there is a tendency to seek to control or manipulate situations or others in order to protect self or accomplish means. Passive aggressive behaviors emerge when we don’t express our “true” or inner feelings and decide to “kill” others with kindness or withhold expressing ourselves.
Control issues typically include a desire to protect oneself. We can even go so far as to develop multiple false selves/masks that we present to others. We hide our “true” self when we fear rejection, abandonment, and/or intensive conflict. Mark DeJesus has multiple videos.
Shame
Guilt
Do we communicate openly and with respect even when we disagree with other? Are our relationships interdependent or codependent? Kenny Weiss has some excellent videos and resources on this topic. Codependency is a situation in which a person depends on someone or something else for validation, love, meaning, purpose, etc. The issue herein is that a person seeks in others what only God can provide. This leads to disappointment, over reliance, and in some cases using/manipulating others. Healthy relationships are interdependent!
Solutions:
Practice open, authentic communication with others. Create and maintain a relationship journal wherein you write about your daily feelings and interactions. Apologize when necessary and accept responsibility for your own feelings. When a situation or strong emotion emerges slow down and take a moment to consider what you’re feeling, why, and how you can respond appropriately before acting in haste.
Group 3: Playing the victim, becoming overly self-centered
Blame shifting and the victim mentality also emerge in times of stress/anxiety. Due to unresolved hurts, a person blames someone else or becomes the victim in order to delay or refuse to resolve the issues at hand. These tactics only delay the inevitable.
We need to consider ourselves: God’s Word guides us to be sober and discerning about our attitudes, thoughts, and actions. However, we can become too focused on self and lose awareness of others around us.
Solutions:
Accept responsibility for personal flaws and failures. Work toward being an overcomer and victor instead of focusing on the past! Daily give thanks to God and include gratitude into your daily prayer journal. Add some person growth/reflections topics in your journal. Consider ways you can serve or assist others!
4: Destructive Patterns of Thoughts
Certain patterns of thoughts lead to/or indicate deeper issues. The key term to examine here is “patterns.” Not talking about a single thought, but a group of recurring thoughts.
The first troublesome pattern is catastrophic thinking. This involves consistently believing or focusing on the worst possible situation/outcome. For example, someone doesn’t call or arrive when expected so you fear a bad accident or that he/she has forgotten or stood you up. This patterns leads to excessive worry and feeds anxiety wherein a person assumes the negative. Unresolved trauma and past experiences play a major role in this pattern.
A second problematic pattern is overthinking. Have you ever made something simple to be overly complex and overwhelming? Behind this pattern is the belief that if we can just figure it all out then we can solve it. Overthinking happens when we put too much thought into a situation and often come to the wrong solution or keep ourselves “spinning” as Mark DeJesus discusses in relation to OCD.
Rumination is a close relative to overthinking. Something happens or someone says something to us and we refuse to let it go. Rumination happens when we “hold onto” something to the extent of constantly thinking about it. Unresolved trauma and deep disappointments feed this pattern. Excellent resource for rumination:
Self-hatred is a devastating pattern of thinking! You can easily recognize this destructive thought pattern in how you think and consider your self. We all have flaws and areas of growth. However, self-hatred is hating yourself and viewing yourself negatively. If you consider yourself to be inferior, hopeless, and/or fundamentally broken or flawed in multiple aspects of your life, then this pattern my be trying to establish itself. This thought pattern shows itself in people who are over religious, strict, condescending, and who consistently act distant/cold toward others in his/her life.
Solutions:
Awareness is key. Recognize when you are entering into a pattern and use self-comforting techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, etc. Consider practicing “radical acceptance.” One of the best ways to heal from past hurts is to specifically identify each hurt, and accept that it happened. Personally, I worked with a trauma specialist to learn techniques. This is a life-long process and involves “hard” emotional and mental work. This isn’t a quick or painless fix! Consider working with a professional–this is something that requires a personal connection–not just watching helpful videos or reading articles.
Words of Grace & Hope 